I have known for a long time that I am aligned with the meanest person I’ve ever known. But I’ve also known that as long as I stayed in his good graces by obeying his rules, not crossing the line and not pushing back against his authority — that he would keep me safe. Today, with my new awareness, that naïveté, my lack of cognizance about the damaging effect of my narcissists “love” on me is overwhelming. The price I paid was my soul and that’s no cliche. He has sucked every ounce of me out of myself.
Recently he told me, while in a discussion about a dispute with a “friend.” That he “just needs someone to hate in his life and right now it’s her.” That was followed with “I would just like to punch her in the face.”
“Excuse me?” Although I could completely feel and understand his fury over the situation and the that person we were discussing, I absolutely could not wrap my head around the statement about needing someone to hate in his life. He told me that he thrives on it, and I understand because I know his level of crazy. It’s something that most people don’t know or understand about him because he puts on such a good show. But I understand that there is always a target — he looks for it and when there is no one outside he can feel contempt for, he focuses on me.
Someone asked me — “if you were told that signing up with him would cost you every single relationship in your life — family, friends, neighbors. Friends that you had before you met him, the entire network of friends you were once surrounded by, friends that you made while you were with him, even friends you made through him, everyone — would you have signed up with him?”
“NO, of course not!” I replied.
Well, my dear, that’s what you have. No one wants to be around him, but he’ll convince you, that it’s because of you. As I said before I believed that as long as I stayed in his good graces by obeying his rules, not crossing the line and not pushing back against his authority — that he would keep me safe. What I couldn’t see then was who or what I needed safe keeping from. He is, by far, the most dangerous and hurtful person in my life. I had been skillfully disarmed from my own internal defenses by charm, deception and threats. He has held me down and smothered me because he has his talons so deeply embedded in my soul.