I’ve had another life-altering epiphany. I think that’s a strange thing to write, but it’s true. Over the past two-and-a-half years I have made enormous strides, emotionally and psychologically. I have been peeling back layers of my own proverbial onion and have learned countless things about myself — painful, cathartic, necessary realizations.
In eliminating most of the drama that molded many areas of my life, so much of the noise in my life has followed suit and gone away. Now I find that I am not only psychologically or emotionally lonely, but now I am physically lonely too. With not much else distracting me and filling my space, I find myself surrounded by more physical silence — which opens the door for a lot of introspection. This has been good for me, albeit very sad at times.
I realize that I am not celebrated at any time, on any day, by any one. Where my calendar used to be pretty full, find now that no one celebrates me, calls on me, writes to me — I have become a non-entity in many facets of what I believed was my world. My judgement was off, I put my efforts and energy into the wrong relationships and I see now that I was wrong. The people I had surrounded myself with were not my people at all for if they were they would not have abandoned me — even if I was difficult or the circumstances of my relationship were hard to deal with, they would still be here, but they’re not. And that’s really okay, because it has to be. IT IS OKAY.
Where is this coming from today? Why the epiphany?
I am a stones throw away from a milestone birthday and it has been mentioned to me, privately and in hushed tones, that my narcissist is organizing a gathering. It felt as though I had been stung by a hives worth of bee’s. Hence my newest epiphany. I’m not celebrated at any time, on any day, by any one. So, I don’t want a fake celebration. I do not want a bunch of disingenuous no one-to-me’s getting together to celebrate my existence when really, they couldn’t care less. And, in reality, it’s just my narcissist showing his people how wonderful he is.