Posted in emotional abuse

…because “you had been through so much.”

I died for you.   

I voluntarily sacrificed myself in my early 30’s by choosing to surrender my needs because somehow you convinced me that what I was in “need” of was nothing more than trivial “wants” compared to the drama and trauma you had already and continued to endure. After all, you explained continuously and in no uncertain terms that “you had been through so much.”

I tolerated your emotional highs and lows because “you had been through so much.”  

I tolerated the poor social behavior that resulted from your emotional damage because “you had been through so much.”

I tolerated your emotional ineptness and the effect it had on the fulfillment or lack of fulfillment of my needs because “you had been through so much.”  

I willingly accommodated your parental needs with your child by tolerating lame weekends, lame vacations, spending my money, money, money and having no privacy in my home.  

I did it all because although it wasn’t perfect, I thought it was okay or at least fine, because I foolishly and blindly believed that we were good and you were worth it and because “you had been through so much.”   

You needed me, your child needed us and it was okay that I usually got the short end of the proverbial stick because it was just part of who “we” were.  

I foolishly and irresponsibly tolerated anger, criticism, physically inappropriate actions, emotional withdrawal and verbal abuse at the expense of myself because “you had been through so much,” OR, MORE LIKELY, BECAUSE YOU PLAYED ME!

I died for you, because you killed me.  After offering to and then fulfilling my life dreams of a family, not because it was a dream that you shared with me, more because you would “save me” from losing out on “what every woman wants.”  Yes, you told me that and I accepted it because you were willing to submit to my wants and that was wonderful. You said, I should be happy and grateful and I believed you because I had already been worn down by your bad attitude and your bad behavior and by hearing about how “you had been through so much.”

Then after back-handedly, giving me the green light to fill myself with the anticipation of a family and a future, 
the green light to dream, 
you killed me by swiftly slaughtering my dreams of a happy, loving family-life. It started during the pregnancy because now you made sure I understood that “I owed you,” and now I understand, you were willing to give me that dream for your own selfish purposes– which in no way mimic the joyful, loving scenario I had envisioned — YOU BASTARD!

I died for you and it was a long, drawn out, painful death. Before you finished me you made me work for you. You made me clear the path to my own destruction, all the while squashing what was left of my soul. I killed for you — my family relationships, my close friendships, my career — all to make you happy, to keep what happiness existed, to please you, but in the end, it didn’t work because nothing will work. No matter what I did or what I do, it will never work, it will never be enough.

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2 thoughts on “…because “you had been through so much.”

    1. Thank you. Your support and kindness are greatly appreciated. My writing often gives me clarity and strength. Acknowledgement gives me peace-of-mind and courage, there are truly no words to accurately express how much that means to me.

      Liked by 1 person

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