Posted in Narcissism, Relationships, Family

WHY?

 


I plan this to be my last communication because, as you know — or I should say, as you plotted, I have been banished. Banished by you, by your actions.  You have succeeded in sabotaging my character with twisted truths, lies and premeditated omissions.

I suppose it is more socially acceptable to have a child who is emotionally unstable than a child who is a felon, which is why you will never reveal the truth about your Golden Child.  After all, you’re worked long and hard to establish my position as your scapegoat.  Especially because your Golden Child is a felon due to emotional instabilities caused by you.

So you plotted and planned and wove tales intended to destruct my public image and it worked!!

CONGRATULATIONS!!

With one ill-conceived conception I was launched into this world, into a family which I don’t fit into. Then with a rather fell-swoop I was swept or cast back out.
All the while in-between trying to figure and fend my way, virtually alone.

I am pretty outraged that my entire existence, until age 46, has been at your whim, in your hands, without your mercy.

As I have stepped away and begun my due diligence at the arduous task of peeling away my emotional scars to unearth my authentic self, I see what a cunning, manipulative, self-serving person you really are!

But, WHY?

I heard loud and clear all of the disparaging remarks and statements you made about me – personally.  I’m sure you recall, you were saying them to me.  TO ME, your daughter. ABOUT ME, your daughter.  Your words, they were biting, telling, untrue and mean — you hit below the belt, and it hurt.  Sadly, I’ve become accustomed to being hurt and disappointed by you, but this was different. More than anything, it was shocking.  It’s one thing to know that a relationship of any sort is on bumpy terrain, it’s a whole ‘nother thing to be blind-sided with words and accusations that cut to the bone.  I was absolutely devastated, shocked to learn the real feelings that you have, have had, for me, belying the surface.

You’ll probably be happy to hear that you basically crushed me.  The fact that you actually believe what you said is evidence that you truly don’t know me at all.

And if you don’t believe what you said and those words were spoken to hurt me, well, CONGRATULATIONS AGAIN!  You succeeded in hurting me, extremely, and you suck for choosing to be so mean to your child.

But you want to know what I know?  YOU KNOW YOU DO!!

Okay, I’ll tell you.  I know the TRUTH.

I know a whole lot of truth now because I cared enough to find out, I actually needed to know what just hit me.

I know that those weren’t “only words” because over a year has passed and there has been NO attempt to apologize or even communicate with me, at all.

A year has passed and you’re holding tough to those awful opinions, beliefs and feelings that you spoke – proving something — a point, I guess.

You’ve succeeded, again!
Although I don’t know what the intended point is, I know now that you truly don’t care.

I know that you haven’t cared about me in a long time.

I know that I was a burden to you.

I know you worked against me, unbeknownst to me, to sway public opinion of me – to bolster your angle.  But, I ask, what angle?  You don’t need to have an angle if there’s no resistance.  Not only was I offered G no resistance, I wasn’t even involved in the debate.

On the contrary, I wasn’t seeking public opinion, recognition or approval.  I was living, my life, on my terms – you might consider trying it some time.  I was DOING, not thinking — better than that, NEVER IMAGINING — that my moves were being replayed to the masses, but they were.

So convenient.  While I was living — on my own terms, you were fabricating — on your own terms.  Consistently weaving tall tales or “reporting the facts” ABOUT MY LIFE from your narrow-minded, unopposed, inexperienced, twisted perspective.

G-d only knows how long that went on for and I wonder if HE even knows, why?

Why the heck would you do this to your child?  And it wasn’t a one-time misconduct, you did it all the time, of this, I’m certain!

Do you question how “I’m certain,” how I know what I know?  Because I’ll happily share that with you too!

People have told me!  YOUR people have told me – your two favorite cousins, your sister, your niece, your nephew – even your precious son, your golden child!  I’ve connected with each and every one of them, even my relations on my father’s side. Boy, have I had an earful!  One relative said, “Jay, she always talked about you and not in a good way.”

Even some friends have shared your words with me and I always come back to, why?

So now I’m asking you, WHY?

Apparently you do a lot of judging.  The more I learned from “your people,” the more I realized that I might be the only person you know who’s honest, cause they’ve all talked and not necessarily in your favor!  Ha!

Sadly, you, who I trusted, used my life against me. You took my mistakes, misjudgments, weaknesses, even my happiness, my personal business – whatever it was, you poked holes in it, put it on display, and left it for everyone to judge me and, guess what?  IT WORKED!!

But, WHY?

Why would you talk about, and ridicule, your child’s personal business?

I thought parents, especially mothers, are supposed to protect their children.  If you didn’t like me and you wanted me to be a different person, maybe you should have raised me differently.  If you couldn’t influence me in whatever you define as the appropriate direction because I was “difficult,” maybe you should have actually parented and corrected my “misbehavior.”

In other words, instead of catering to your own extravagances and those of your husband, maybe you should have come home or been home – nurturing and catering to your children.  OR maybe, if you had to work, you could have been emotionally supportive and nurturing when you were home.  That would have been a good start.  Although that really wouldn’t have been all that much because you were out until too late on most nights.  Be that as it may, anything would have been better than nothing.

Guess what?

I didn’t ask to be put on this earth and I certainly did not want to raise myself, but that’s the way it went.  You, and he, put me here and then he went. In stepped husband number two and you went too.  Then you have the audacity — AUDACITY — to sit in judgement of me and talk about ME!  I have more sincere emotion in my pinky than you have in your whole body.

By some miracle I landed on this earth a genuine human being and it certainly was not due to any experiences or examples I witnessed within my family.

So…you can keep your bullshit, every ounce of it.

I just want to know, WHY?
When a lady is disinterested she walks away.

Why did you drag me through the mud??

I have my theories about how you fell so far off track but, to be honest, every one of them points to you being really stupid, and very weak.  But it’s a theory and it’s a theory that makes sense so I’m really okay with it.  Left to my own devices, I have decided that husband number two is a mastermind, if I can stretch it that far.  He has choreographed just about every full sentence you’ve ever articulated.  You painted him as “the family savior.”  WHAT A JOKE!!
He may have saved your sorry soul, but money doesn’t equal love, it buys some level of security and peace of mind. But you sold me to win that position, so understand, I’m just not impressed.  I am, however, smart enough not to blame him completely.  You were you before he came and I was on the chopping block before he ever entered my universe.

I absolutely MUST credit him for teaching, encouraging, enabling, and assisting in destroying any hope there was for your already broken children.  Now, under his advisement and with his financial input, there was no chance for those children, your children, to develop into whole, functional, well-adjusted adults.

But, WHY?

As a mother I can honestly say that I would never choose my personal happiness, financial freedom or emotional well-being over my daughters. I would never choose to destroy her character to bolster my own – in my opinion, it takes a really unique person to do that.

I look at it now and it’s a wonder, maybe a miracle, that I made it out at all, let alone in tact. (Two cheers for me!)

Jay❤️

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5 thoughts on “WHY?

  1. Wow. Just wow. It was like reading every thought in my head. Thank you for your comment on another blog. It was helpful to know I am not alone in this weird war. Thank you for sharing this. I am sorry you have had this experience with your family. It is a very hard thing to walk away from. I am encouraged by your move. I want to ask the question WHY too…but I won’t ever get an answer. Just the same old story of how great my life was and how awesome my parents were to me. It’s been about 5 weeks since I have talked to them and it’s maddening. They do reach out and but not because they want to resolve anything with me. But because they want something I have. Trying to stay strong and NOT get sucked back in to the dysfunction and chaos.

    Like

    1. I’m sorry you are going through this torment. Eventually, in time, it will become easier. In the beginning I literally had to take one moment at a time, but as time passed I began to gain more clarity and I really no longer wanted to ‘go back there.’

      It is VERY hard especially when you have spent your life appeasing these people and their imbalanced demands/expectations, but stay focused on you, you cannot change your family or your spouse — you can only control your response to their behavior.

      Good luck. Stay safe.
      STAY STRONG AND REMAIN TRUE TO YOURSELF.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. ❤ Thoughy story isn't the exact same in terms of details, I too was raised by an NPD parent and the other a flying monkey/pseudo narcissist. I can TOTALLY RELATE to so much of what you wrote here. I am so sorry. I am currently working on the detaching part. My heart goes out to you!!! From one survivor to another!

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    1. Hi Alice.
      Thank you for the comment and the follow. One day, one hour, one moment at a time, right? There was an emergency that I needed to tend to this week, I apologize for the delayed response to your thoughtful post.
      Stay strong and focused – yes, from one survivor to another.
      Jay❤️

      Liked by 1 person

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