Posted in emotional abuse, family, Love, acceptance, Narcissism, Relationships, Family, Self-Esteem

At the hand…


At the hand of my family….

…I should have been taught… 

…that love is unconditional.  

…that I am worthy of both tenderness and understanding.  

…that I am smart and beautiful — even if I’m not.

…that I am capable and strong.

…that I am human — and all humans make mistakes, sometimes.  

…I should have been taught…

…how to be a good friend.

…that I am a good friend.

…that I deserve to have good friends.  

…I should have been taught…

…to be kind, giving and friendly — but not naive.  

…I should have been taught…

to be nobody’s fool and not to prey on a fool — because although it may be easy, it is never right.    

…I should have been taught to be flexible to new ideas.

…to adapt to change, but voice my opinions and concerns.

…I should have been taught…

…to take what I am entitled to — but only if I need it because someone less fortunate may need it more.

…not to just take, but contribute, as well — in as many ways as possible.  

…I should have been taught…

…it’s okay to adjust to circumstances.

…it is not okay to lower or dismiss my standards for people, places or things.

…I should have been taught…

…not to judge a book by it’s cover.

…not to put all of my eggs in one basket.

…I should have been taught…

…to EARN.  

…if I want it, I should work for it because then I am beholden to no one, no matter what.

But most of all, at the hand of my mother, I should have learned that I am loved.

So many important lessons should have been taught at the hand of my family. 

However, 

BY the hand of MY family…

…I learned loneliness and neglect.  

…I learned that I am incapable, unlikable and unworthy of love.  

By the hand of my family…

…I learned insecurity and suffered an under-developed self-esteem.  

…I understood that I am not capable of being productive and if it seems that I am on the right track, I will eventually fail.  

…I learned to filter my emotions through self-deprecating statements and cover my pain with comedy, instead of addressing my fears and anxiety — 

…I was informed, after all,  that my personal issues are boring and no one wants to hear them anyway.

By the hand of my family…

…I learned not to trust myself or others.  Myself, because I, certainly, could never successfully accomplish an endeavor.  Others, because everything  — especially and including her love and acceptance — comes with strings attached.

By the hand of my family…
I learned that every nice gesture or deed comes with parameters — that does not mean that one hand washes the other.  It means, “if I do this for you, you will owe me.”  

By the hand of my family…

…I learned that my emotions are invalid — although that was never stated, actions are affirming and, clearly, no one truly cares.  

…I learned that I am a burden and, quite frankly, unlikable.  

…I was made to feel, and eventually believe, that I am difficult and a pain in the ass.

…in recent years, words became actions and I have even been rendered disposable.

Jay❤️

Advertisements

2 thoughts on “At the hand…

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s