A visitor from another place that was not necessarily invited or accepted, but was there by circumstance instead.
I never realized until recently, until I awaken to the reality of narcissistic abuse, what the issue was.
So I always felt like I didn’t fit, like I didn’t belong there, that I wasn’t accepted or acceptable — IN MY OWN LIFE.
There physically, but not really present.
How sad for me, in my lack of family and the unconditional love it affords; how sad for them, that they missed out on getting to know me, although I know they don’t feel that way, I also know they never will.
Imagine traveling through life and not really feeling anything.
I don’t mean that you’re impervious to heat or cold, although that is a distinct possibility —
I mean an emotional numbness.
I don’t mean that you’re indifferent to any emotions, in my personal experience hurt, disappointment and sadness were usually close at hand —
I mean not ever truly experiencing happiness or joy or anticipation.
I’m not referring to the type of situation where we are not included because someone is lovingly trying to protect us and/or shield us from stress or pain, that’s not it at all.
The numbness I’m talking about is created by stress and pain and causes much more than stress and/or pain.
It’s numbness caused by your narcissist “controlling your emotional filter with verbal and physical cues. Managing the information you receive and how they require you to process it — and it is in no way intended to foster your physical, emotional or spiritual well-being.
It creates fear, confusion, stress, low self-esteem, low self-worth — to name a few.” All of which acts to keep you compliant and controlled.
In your emotional numbness you are pretty much akin to a puppet.
The puppet master, your narcissist, orchestrates your every response — the catch is that emotional strings are invisible.
So, you are the main character in the production, the star of the show — but you don’t even know there’s a show, this is your life and you are entertaining or pleasing or “feeding” a crowd that you are not even aware is watching, after all, these are ‘your people.’ THIS IS YOUR LIFE! But your life isn’t about you!
You are continuously on-stage, manipulated and quietly, yet publicly, abused and then put aside until next time, still unaware. ALWAYS unaware.
Unaware that you are even being abused and manipulated and put away as if there is no value, because, to them, there is no value — except in what they receive from you.
BUT YOU DON’T KNOW, you think that “this is just the way it is” because you don’t know any better or different. THIS IS YOUR NORMAL, and unbeknownst to you, you have been programmed this way. Follow the order, there is no reward except that you will be allowed to continue to follow the order. If you do not conform, you will be cast aside — and there will be NO ATTENTION for you.
In my own personal experience, I always knew that something was not right, but I had no idea what. And, of course, it would NEVER be them, couldn’t be.
First off — because they love me. It really couldn’t be them, seriously, how could it be? There are so many more of them than me. How could it possibly be ALL of them? The only other option, is to find (X) the common denominator — it’s a basic tenet of problem solving, to find the common denominator, the constant. What is the common denominator — I was X! I was the constant in all of the relationships so the problem must be me!
And that left me confused, very confused, because I honestly don’t see ME the way that they see me, the way that they have painted me. I know what’s inside my head and it’s NOT what they say or how they portray me.
How could I be so wrong in so much of my thinking? And about myself?
All I ever wanted, so desperately, was to be accepted. To experience love — to give love and to receive love, unconditionally.